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Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis., by Eric Berne
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We think we’re relating to other people–but actually we’re all playing games.Forty years ago, Games People Play revolutionized our understanding of what really goes on during our most basic social interactions. More than five million copies later, Dr. Eric Berne’s classic is as astonishing–and revealing–as it was on the day it was first published. This anniversary edition features a new introduction by Dr. James R. Allen, president of the International Transactional Analysis Association, and Kurt Vonnegut’s brilliant Life magazine review from 1965.We play games all the time–sexual games, marital games, power games with our bosses, and competitive games with our friends. Detailing status contests like “Martini” (I know a better way), to lethal couples combat like “If It Weren’t For You” and “Uproar,” to flirtation favorites like “The Stocking Game” and “Let’s You and Him Fight,” Dr. Berne exposes the secret ploys and unconscious maneuvers that rule our intimate lives.Explosive when it first appeared, Games People Play is now widely recognized as the most original and influential popular psychology book of our time. It’s as powerful and eye-opening as ever.
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Product details
Paperback: 216 pages
Publisher: Ballantine Books (August 27, 1996)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 9780345410030
ISBN-13: 978-0345410030
ASIN: 0345410033
Product Dimensions:
5.5 x 0.5 x 8.2 inches
Shipping Weight: 4.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.3 out of 5 stars
375 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#13,217 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
This "bible" of transactional analysis can be incredibly helpful to those who are dealing with people who play damaging games all day every day. It's slightly outdated, and some of the things it calls "games" we now call "illness", but it still is overwhelmingly useful (even revolutionary) for those who want to take control of their life and personal interactions.It describes abusive games people play like "Let's pull a fast one on Jimmy" or "Broken leg" and tells you exactly how to end your role in them. If you have to deal with people who always make excuses, can't be trusted, constantly criticize you, etc, this is the book to read.The only thing you need to be aware of, and it's important, is that ending "games", or even just your role in games others keep trying to make you play, can destroy relationships in the short term (and sometimes in the long term). If you have someone really toxic in your life who plays very destructive games, they will be FURIOUS and THREATENED when you terminate your part in the game. For them, playing the game may seem like a matter of life and death . . .In that instance, you need to be working with a therapist who specializes in using transactional analysis as part of therapy. In fact, that's pretty much always good advice if you want to make big changes in your family, personal, and professional relationships. You can google for therapists that use TA as a method and its worth doing.At any rate, this is a powerful book. I hope you enjoy reading it.
The bad: the psychoanalytical language is a bit annoying (trying to relate everything back to sexuality). Also its clinically oriented, so only a few of the "games" are applicable to the average person.The good: it highlights some common, sometimes destructive patterns of human interaction. Sometimes these are shockingly accurate for how detailed they are - its as though he was summarizing various parts of my life. The basic premise is that humans go through social interactions at different levels. There is the explicit level and there is the implicit background interaction - for instance when a husband asks his wife if she wants a massage, sometimes he's really asking for sex, and when you ask someone how their day is going, you're really saying "I acknowledge that you exist and we're on good terms". But these hidden interactions can take on much more complex forms that we aren't even aware of, and when people can't address the background causes behind disputes and patterns of behavior it can lead to unhealthy relationships and perpetuate more unhealthy behavior. These hidden interactions are called social "games" hence the title of book. The example that struck me was the brilliantly named "Now I got you, you son of a bitch". It's best explained by example: husband forgets to take out the trash - wife flies into a 20 minute fit of rage about how he doesn't appreciate anything she does, doesn't care about her, only cares about himself and shirks away from responsibility whenever possible. To put it in more plain language than the book uses, the actual focal point of the interaction is irrelevant, its a scapegoat that allows the aggressor to justify their rage and bring up all of their other grievances. It comes from a desire for validation and allows the players to avoid dealing with the undying issues causing the dissatisfaction. If you've never witnessed NIGYSOB being played, I envy you and wish I lived your life in which people always dealt with long standing conflict in a mature manner.
This is one of the best books you can read in order to handle people who seem to drain your energy. Games are forms of dishonest communication. For instance, there is someone who always complains about their job or their relationship. Whatever advice you give is dismissed as unfeasible. The point is that complaining to you is an excuse to talk to you, not really an effort to elicit your advise. And the complaining allows the person to interact with you without having to reveal anything personal about themselves, without having to expose themselves emotionally to you. This book has one or two page scenarios with tactics on how to counter the game. In the example above it probably advises to stop offering in an attempt to fix their situation. The examples are described in such simple and humorous language, you will laugh (or cringe with a bit of embarrassment) as you recognize others or yourself as having played certain games. And you will recall specific games or variations of games almost instantly when they occur. You end up putting a stop to other peoples games and have a harder time playing games of your own with a straight face after reading this book. And that is Eric Berne's approach to psychology--psychological break throughs are not about having a revelatory experience after 7 years of talking about yourself and you unconscious motives. Instead, it is all about understanding and recognizing surface patterns of unhealthy behavior and interactions. And the recognition is not like seeing God come out of the sky, it just becoming aware of the fact that a fly has been buzzing around the room, swatting it, and throwing it in the trash so that you can go back to talking to someone or finishing whatever you were working on. This book is a classic in its genre, it's very informative with actionable advice, enticingly easy to read, and very highly recommended. I've bought copies to give out to friends when they are in unhealthy situations and relationships.
I first read this book in 1965. It was suggested that I revisit it, and I did. This is a very important book and has opened up a whole new approach to psychiatry. Offshoots are "Scripts People Live" and others. A most useful proposition is that if the therapist is still seeing the patient, the therapist has failed to cure the patient. Wow! So it's not that the patient is an idiot. Totally awesome concept.Love it.Advice to all: BUY IT!
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